BORIS BURDA: How to Comfortably Visit the Facilities
Art Design: huxley.media via DALL·E 3
ATTENTION — QUESTION!
The inscription at the entrance of this museum in Delhi reads: «…here, in deep contemplation, chaplains pondered when they were destined to become bishops, debit was reconciled with credit, secret meetings took place. Here, in clouds of tobacco smoke, reformers devised bold projects, scientists invented, and engineers came up with ideas…» What exhibits are presented in this museum?
ATTENTION — CORRECT ANSWER!
I will be highly concise — toilets. Isn’t that right?
FOR KINGS AND QUEENS
I thought long and hard about where to begin — this topic isn’t precisely refined… But there’s no doubt about its importance — Belgian scientists have discovered that the average person spends no less than 200 days of their life, more than half a year, in the presence of these valuable inventions! Only with this invention has such a significant part of life become relatively comfortable for all of us.
Primitive hunters and gatherers had simpler lives — if the need arose, they would run into the bushes, take care of their essential business, and return. However, for a person who settled in a permanent home, it became necessary to figure out how to rid the body of waste outside the house. A nearby pit offered some solution, but this was far from ideal.
When people started building palaces, the problem became more pressing. As early as 2,600 years ago, a beautifully carved throne with a hole in the seat, beneath which a pot was placed, was built for the Sumerian queen Shubad. She had enough servants to ensure the pot was almost always clean. This throne has survived to this day and is still exhibited in a London museum.
Shortly after that, on the other side of Eurasia, in China, a significant addition to this convenience — a flush tank — was created. Apparently, a servant was assigned to fill it manually. It was used either by the unifier of China, Qin Shi Huangdi or by the peasant emperor Liu Bang, who overthrew his son — the exact date of its invention is unknown.
ANCIENT CONVENIENCES AND MEDIEVAL INCONVENIENCES
In ancient societies, people managed without kings for a long time, but even common folk longed for improvements in such vital processes. In Rome, public toilets were used for business meetings, important negotiations, and literary and philosophical discussions — people would sit for hours on comfortable marble seats, engaging in conversation while attending to other matters.
For the nobility, there were additional conveniences — wooden seats for those who could afford not to sit on cold marble. Moreover, special enslaved people would warm these seats (you can imagine how). Waste was drained through the vast Roman city sewer system, an underground canal 6–7 meters wide.
Many of these innovations predated the Romans. Palace toilets were connected to city sewers as early as 1000 BCE on the island of Crete. Seated toilets were built in Scotland long before the rise of Rome. But it was only in Rome that a comfortable toilet became accessible to the masses, who quickly appreciated its comfort. With the fall of the Roman Empire, this luxury was lost for a long time.
In the Middle Ages, castles often relied on holes in the floor of a bay window that extended beyond the wall, ideally over a moat, or even a «dansk» — a unique tower with a bay window extending beyond the structure’s walls, sometimes over a water-filled moat, sometimes near a river, with holes in the floor. For ordinary townsfolk, the typical chamber pot served the purpose.
Chamber pots were usually stored in extraordinary «toilet cabinets»: on top was a basin for washing and a jug of water, while the pot was hidden behind cupboard doors below. The contents were often emptied of the window. As early as 1270, a royal decree prohibited this in Paris, but compliance was poor… The great Leonardo da Vinci built a flush toilet for Francis I, but such inventions didn’t really catch on.
The royal residence in the Louvre didn’t have a single toilet! For such needs, it was expected to sit on the windowsill by an open window. Niches in the Louvre were curtained off, and courtiers would relieve themselves there — who could stop them? Sometimes, the Louvre had to be closed «for sanitation» just to air out the stench. What king would enjoy that?
THE INVENTION OF A POET
The talented poet John Harington, the godson of the English queen, attempted to save her from such a fate. His work often had a playful nature: for instance, after translating several chapters of Ariosto’s «Orlando Furioso», Elizabeth dismissed him from the court «for indecency» — but for some reason, not until he had finished translating the entire poem. His works are still read today.
It was Harington who, for the convenience of his queen, invented a unique toilet design with a flushing mechanism. Before constructing it, Harington described it (stress on the last syllable!) in his treatise «The Metamorphosis of Ajax» under the pseudonym Misacmos (Enemy of Dirt). It included both a description of the device and a manual on how to use it, complete with drawings.
The invention was ahead of its time, as there was no sewage system in London yet, and it cost 6 shillings and 8 pence — a considerable sum at the time. He likely built two such «Ajaxes» — one in the queen’s Richmond Palace and one at his estate. Unfortunately, they have not survived, but they evidently worked successfully for some time.
This creation of John Harington has not survived, but at least one of his poems is known by almost everyone. In Marshak’s translation, it goes: «A rebellion cannot succeed — otherwise, it would be called something else». And everyone has likely seen a distant descendant of the poet — Kit Harington, who played Jon Snow in the series «Game of Thrones».
SUCCESSORS
More than a century after Sir John’s creation, Alexander Cummings, a famous watchmaker, a well-known church organ manufacturer, and a talented inventor, improved it. He also invented the barograph (a barometer that records pressure readings) and the microtome (a device for creating skinny slices for microscope slides).
Cummings solved the issue of unpleasant smells by using a water trap in the form of an S-shaped siphon, which blocked the return of gases into the room. He also connected the water inlet valve to the flush mechanism so that one motion would both flush the water and begin refilling it. In 1775, he patented his invention.
The plumber Thomas Crapper gave this important device its near-modern form. He replaced the S-shaped pipe bend with a more advanced U-shaped one and installed a high-mounted flush tank to create pressure. Crapper’s toilet wouldn’t surprise our contemporaries — the fundamental design hasn’t changed much since his time.
At one point, the critical part of the toilet, the seat, was cast in iron, but in 1883, Thomas Twyford made it from ceramic. The Spanish company «Unity» began mass production of these, and in Spanish, «Unity» sounds like «Unidad», so the company was called Unitas. There’s a version that this is how the word «unitaz» (toilet) entered many world languages. Perhaps…
However, perfection knows no bounds. In the U.S., there’s a toilet named after Columbus’s caravel — the «Pinta». That’s because it uses not a gallon but a pint of water (about half a liter — eight times less!), and it works! In Japan, some toilets even have devices that automatically analyze whether you have diabetes. Who knows what’s next!
KALEIDOSCOPE
Too much of a good thing can also be harmful. At Ford factories, they install special toilets with a 30° tilted seat — you can’t sit on them for too long… They say it saves billions of dollars a year. Could that really be true?
In 1883, a patent was issued in the U.S. for a toilet seat made of rollers. Why? To prevent uncultured cowboys from climbing on it with their feet…
A Hermitage guide recalls that in the 1960s, there was a policy to explain to Western tourists that the toilets in the Hermitage were intentionally left the same as they were during the cursed tsarist regime. Otherwise, some visitors were frightened by the toilets…
In Japan, it’s common to install a hand basin on top of the toilet. You wash your hands, and all the water goes into the flush tank. This is very economical.
In August 2015, John Lennon’s toilet was sold at auction for £9,500.
