OH, LOVE: how to place three emperors (or four) on the throne
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BY THE WAY, ABOUT LOVE
W
hat is love? A great mystery, a beautiful wonder? Not at all — everything is much simpler. The WHO has already included love in its registry of mental disorders, in the section «Disorder of habits and impulses, unspecified», alongside similar ailments such as gambling addiction, kleptomania, substance abuse, and alcoholism. There are clear symptoms: sudden mood swings, obsessive thoughts about another person, inflated self-esteem, self-pity, insomnia, and the like.
You should run to the doctors at once — they’ll try to do something. There is even an international code for this illness: F63.9. People rarely die from it; most often, after about four years, it passes on its own — Mexican doctors have proven this. But what, then, is a marriage based on the illness F63.9, which will disappear in four years anyway? Shouldn’t love at least be supported by some calculation? It sounds a bit frightening, but what else can one do?
Unfortunately, a psychological calculation that considers tolerance, compatibility, decency, self-discipline, and similar traits is not so simple. Usually, economic calculation wins, especially when the benefit is obvious and a marriage to a dynastic heiress can place one at the head of an empire (now only business empires, but in the Middle Ages — real ones). And there once lived a woman who bestowed not three crowns but perhaps four, mostly for the sake of her illness F63.9 — that’s how serious this condition can be, yet what astonishing generosity it inspires! She is the one I want to tell you about.
A LITTLE HISTORY
She bore the beautiful name Zoe, meaning «life». Her father, Constantine VIII, was a true Byzantine emperor for 65 of his 68 years, but he actually ruled only for three. How could that be? For Byzantium — a rare case, but it happened: when he and his twin brother Basil were three years old, General Nikephoros Phokas overthrew and killed their father, Emperor Romanos II, to take from him his beautiful wife Theophano, the daughter of a tavern-keeper. But Nikephoros spared the children and even formally made them co-emperors.
Later, another warrior, John Tzimiskes, stabbed Nikephoros Phokas to death for the same Theophano (she must have been quite a beauty!), but everyone opposed their marriage, so he locked Theophano in a monastery, remained on the throne himself, and left the twins as co-rulers — he didn’t mind! He was an energetic monarch who crushed the attempt of Kyiv’s prince Sviatoslav to invade Byzantium, but was poisoned by his own first minister, and the twins took control of the Empire.
Basil ruled with an iron hand for nearly 50 years: married off his sister to Vladimir of Kyiv — and Rus’ adopted Christianity; defeated Bulgaria, blinding 15,000 prisoners and earning the nickname «Bulgar-Slayer»; defeated the Lombards… in short, this workaholic found no time for marriage or heirs. And his brother Constantine simply enjoyed life, with everything prepared for him, cherishing his three daughters: Eudokia, Theodora, and the very Zoe in question.
HUSBAND BY IMPERIAL DECREE
But Basil died, Constantine automatically ascended the throne — and who would follow him? According to the norms of the time, daughters were not suitable, but the husband of a daughter certainly was. Could a crown princess of 47 have a child, given that even with modern medicine this would be difficult? Nevertheless, the emperor began searching for her a husband, and the prefect of Constantinople, Romanos Argyros, suited him perfectly. The fact that Romanos was married concerned absolutely no one — well, he would divorce if he wanted to stay alive. They managed to marry them literally a few days before Constantine’s death, and the new legitimate emperor Romanos III took the throne — Zoe had given him the imperial crown.
Now an heir had to be produced, and Zoe, at least, did not shirk this duty. The palace was flooded with miraculous relics, and the prosperity of those who made them increased accordingly — but, of course, all without result. Herbal remedies were already known at the time, and Romanos III honestly tried, doing everything in his power, but nothing came of it. And in time, even these attempts stopped — simply because it became impossible: he was, after all, 10 years older than his wife…
Zoe understood that to avoid losing power, she urgently needed to find a replacement for her husband. The famous Constantinopolitan heartthrob Michael the Paphlagonian, brother of the influential eunuch John the Orphanotrophos, to whom contemporary poets dedicated admiring verses, proved to be an excellent candidate. He even appealed to the emperor himself, who granted him an important position. Zoe immediately came undone — she grabbed him by the hands in public, and he rejoiced that everyone could see who was in charge. She even sat him on the throne and tried imperial regalia on him — an act punishable by a painful execution. It went so far that the emperor openly questioned Michael about his relationship with Zoe, and Michael swore at length that heaven forbid — yet the emperor’s sister Pulcheria, convinced Michael was lying, suddenly died…
HUSBAND BY LOVE
Soon, the emperor’s own health began to deteriorate rapidly. He looked so bad that he would have looked better in a coffin, yet he continued to work, treated himself diligently, and clearly had no plans to die. It seems Zoe simply grew tired of waiting — there is a memoir account claiming that in the bath two eunuchs pressed his head under water and held it there for quite some time. It is written that he emerged alive and died somewhat later, not uttering a single word, but one has doubts… The throne was free again — and once more in Zoe’s hands.
Everyone advised Zoe not to rush, but she displayed monstrous energy and persuaded the patriarch — who doubted whether he should bless her new marriage — with the help of 50 pounds of gold. To save time, the farewell to the former emperor took place on the same day she met the future one — and no one dared object. Thus Zoe bestowed a second imperial crown — again through marriage. Her new husband was 32 years younger — quite something! Though clearly not entirely healthy, epileptic seizures cannot be hidden. But epilepsy afflicted both Alexander the Great and Gaius Julius Caesar, yet they were great rulers nonetheless. So Zoe should not relax — she now had a complicated partner.
At first, everything was wonderful, but as Michael grew stronger on the throne, her freedoms began to shrink quietly yet inexorably; her funding was reduced, her loyal attendants were dismissed, and soon she could not even go to the bathhouse without imperial permission. Zoe did not dare protest — what if they slit her throat a little? Why not? Most likely, Michael the Paphlagonian had developed a wholly unnecessary thing for emperors — a conscience. He repented and prayed, confessed to holy hermits — and they forbade him to have intimate relations with his wife (so he himself said!). This helped not at all — everything kept getting worse. He did return from a victorious campaign against the Bulgarians, but he was clearly not long for this world.
John the Orphanotrophos panicked — the throne was slipping out of the family, and he decided to save it by forcing Michael and Zoe to quickly adopt someone from their kin. The choice fell on the son of his sister — another Michael in the family — nicknamed Kalaphates («the Caulker»), because his father Stephen caulked and tarred Byzantine ships. Zoe could hardly have been pleased — he was a secretive and vindictive little fellow. But she agreed without complaint, and almost immediately, Michael the Paphlagonian began his final agony. He left on foot for a monastery, where he soon died. Zoe rushed after him (also on foot) to at least say farewell, but he refused to see her. With his death, all rights to the throne passed to Michael Kalaphates — but solely through Zoe. Thus, she transferred the rights to a third crown.
A SON OUT OF NECESSITY
Judging by all accounts, Kalaphates immediately decided to get his troublesome adoptive mother out of the way, though at first he showered her with compliments. He then launched into running the state, with astonishing incompetence. He exiled his uncle John, the smartest member of the entire family, to a monastery (monasteries often functioned as VIP prisons), and appointed another uncle, Constantine — a rare fool — to the important post of novilissimus. And he immediately began pressuring Zoe — nothing extraordinary, merely intensifying everything Michael the Paphlagonian had already done. She was forbidden to leave the gynaeceum, the women’s quarters of the palace; her loyal attendants were thrown out; her expenses were reduced to the level of «just enough not to starve», though he did not dare do more (and as we shall see, not without reason)…
However, after five months on the throne, he grew bolder. On the night of April 18, 1042, Zoe was seized and accused of attempting to poison her adopted son. In fact, everyone knew that Zoe was well-versed in chemistry — at least in the field of cosmetics. She invented and made creams, perfumes, and lip pigments, and they were quite successful ones. Contemporary writings preserve the recipe for the «ointment of Queen Zoe». She could have made a fortune — her own face, practically unchanged with age, would have been the best advertisement… But Zoe was locked up in a monastery, her luxurious hair was cut during her forced tonsure, and the hair was sent to the emperor — so that he might be assured of his victory…
Not at all! The people of Constantinople rose up — they were sick and tired of Michael Kalaphates. Zoe’s sister Theodora, quietly living in yet another monastery, remembered her old connections and became the organizer of the uprising. Crowds poured onto the Hippodrome (in Byzantium, it played the same role as the Maidan for Ukraine), shouting: «We will not let our mother Zoe be offended!» Terrified, Michael ordered Zoe to be brought to the Hippodrome, hoping to convince the people she was safe. But everyone saw she was wearing a monastic robe instead of imperial attire (those fools hadn’t even thought to dress her properly!), and everything heavy that could be grabbed was hurled at the emperor. He barely escaped, but was soon captured, and the gentle Theodora pronounced the mildest possible sentence — blinding (I am not joking about the mildness; Byzantine executions were horrifying). After the brutal blinding, Michael lived only a short while, and the third crown returned once again to Zoe.
HUSBAND BY CALCULATION
Who, then, could become the lawful emperor now? Only Zoe’s husband — her sister absolutely refused to marry. Everyone agreed on Constantine, a relative of Romanos III: healthy, intelligent, and so handsome that Michael the Paphlagonian had exiled him just in case. He became Zoe’s third husband, receiving from her the crown for the fourth time. A third marriage was considered borderline scandalous by the Church, but what could the Church do — the patriarch simply avoided officiating personally and delegated the ceremony to someone else, then later embraced and congratulated them. Can you recall anything similar?
Zoe no longer had the strength for conflicts. She even signed a «friendship contract» with her husband, stating that the emperor loves and deeply respects her, but that the sebaste Skleraina would live in the palace to the left of the emperor’s chambers, while the empress would reside to the right — and that all three of them would live peacefully and love one another very much. The agreement was carefully followed. When the emperor faced a furious crowd shouting: «We don’t want Skleraina! We don’t want our mothers Zoe and Theodora to die because of her!», the three of them came out onto the palace balcony together and calmed the crowd. And when Skleraina died, Constantine found a new affection — a princess from Alania — and later yet another, and another.
Zoe quietly faded away in her laboratory, preparing cosmetics that allowed her not to look like an old woman until the very end, and painting icons, one of which came to be regarded as miraculous. In accordance with the German proverb «A young libertine — an old devotee», she became increasingly pious. Her death was received calmly — it is rare for even an empress to live so long. Far more interesting is the fact that when Constantine IX died five years later, her sister Theodora, nominally co-ruler, demanded power for herself — and received it. She ruled for more than four years, and quite sensibly. So it turns out it was possible after all?
I AM HORRIFIED TO SAY IT, BUT IT SEEMS…
What became of Zoe’s marriages? Which one was the most dreadful? It was the second — the one born of great passion. And the calmest and most amicable turned out to be the last one, based purely on calculation. Perhaps it was simply the only calculation that proved correct, regardless of the dreadful illness F63.9? But what happens when this malady passes? There is an answer: Valentin Kataev once said, «My wife and I once promised to love each other until the grave and even beyond. It turned out to be much easier than we imagined. Only love took another form». It seems that the lack of this new form was precisely what doomed Empress Zoe, who spent her long life giving away four crowns — and receiving, as you can see, what she got in return…
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