OH, LOVE: How to Allow a Byzantine Emperor to Marry a Harlot
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THE NEPHEW OF A LUCKY SOLDIER
I
f there had been insurance companies in Byzantium, the life insurance premiums for emperors would have been the highest — the famous French Byzantinist Diehl counted only 37 out of 107 Byzantine basileus who left the throne due to natural death or falling in battle. The rest were ruthlessly overthrown, and few managed to get away with being forcibly tonsured into monks without also being blinded. If you’re afraid — don’t become an emperor. I’m surprised anyone agreed to it at all.
Nevertheless, there were those who dared. For example, the brave soldier Justin — most likely a villager, neither Roman nor even Greek, probably an Illyrian or Thracian, in other words, practically one of our own. He joined the army and showed such zeal that he rose to the rank of praetorian prefect — the head of the personal guard of the shrewd and frugal Emperor Anastasius, who had amassed 3,200 centenaria of gold in the imperial treasury — that’s nearly 105 tons, more than many modern states can boast!
But Anastasius passed away without leaving an heir, and as often happens in such cases, the one who guards the emperor becomes his successor. The newly crowned Emperor Justin was illiterate — soldiers weren’t taught reading back then. He couldn’t even sign laws: he simply stamped them with the word legi — «I have read», which was, of course, a lie.
In order to manage somehow, he called upon his highly educated nephew, Flavius Petrus Sabbatius, who, wishing to emphasize his advantageous kinship, adopted the name Justinian. Under this name, he inherited the throne after Justin’s death, practically without any difficulties.
AMONG THE BEASTS
So this is how one could become an emperor — no need to be born in a palace, a village would suffice. And where was his empress-to-be born? Not far from the palace — in the cramped, filthy quarters beneath the imperial circus, where the keepers lived, tending to the wild beasts released into the arena to fight gladiators for the amusement of the capital’s plebs. It was there that a daughter was born to one of these men, Acacius, and he named her Theodora.
Acacius passed away early, and the unfortunate mother and her daughters pleaded in vain for her new husband to be granted the late husband’s job — they were mercilessly denied. They would have starved among the refuse if the new stepfather hadn’t been placed in a similar position. And so the girls spent their childhood among beasts, gladiators, athletes, and shady folk, of whom it was hard to say who was who — beast, gladiator, or athlete.
Where was the road leading for the youngest, a beautiful girl of ferocious endurance? Almost certainly into the «infantry» — as they called the lowest rank of the oldest profession. No, not journalism… Theodora’s critics speak of her extraordinary immorality, but I don’t believe that! What extraordinary immorality can there be in a profession where morality doesn’t exist at all? But the remarks about her remarkable stamina appear to be true. Her two sisters and countless colleagues in the trade burned out quickly, but she remained strong and unscathed.
You’re probably shaking your head in disbelief: «How? From such filth — to empress? That’s impossible! Public opinion would never allow it…» Ah, my dears, what public opinion can there be under an absolute monarchy? Whatever the emperor says — that is public opinion.
AN EMPEROR CAN DO ANYTHING
Of course, one first has to become emperor. Justinian met Theodora while he was still merely the nephew of the basileus, whose wife — Euphemia — refused to even hear of a lawful marriage between her husband’s relative and a woman whose price for the full range of earthly pleasures was two copper obols. Not enough even for a meal in a cheap tavern. «Over my dead body!» declared the august lady — who, by the way, had herself once been a slave named Lupicina, purchased by Justin before he became emperor, later elevated by him and made his wife.
As the empress said, so it would be — over the dead body, then. Euphemia, too, was not eternal, and once she passed away, everything became possible. A special decree was issued abolishing the prohibition on such marriages, provided the fallen woman repented and proved the sincerity of her repentance. And who could deny that proof when she had even convinced the emperor himself! Everyone was so pleased that no one even paused to reflect on the delicious irony of such news — at last, emperors were permitted to marry harlots; what further emancipation could one ask for?
And so, having fought for the right to personal happiness, the future Justinian the Great and Theodora the Great stood before the altar, and the priest declared them husband and wife: the soldier’s nephew and — well, you know who. In the end, it was they who became the most famous emperor and empress of the Byzantine Empire.
A PORTRAIT OF THE EMPEROR THROUGH HIS HISTORIAN’S EYES
How do historians characterize the new ruler? «He was at once cunning and gullible — the kind they call malicious fools. Full of craftiness and deceit. He was two-faced, dangerous, an excellent actor when he needed to conceal his thoughts, and could shed tears not out of joy or sorrow but by summoning them artificially at the right moment. An unfaithful friend, a merciless enemy, prone to quarrels, a great lover of innovations and revolutions».
Is it really all that bad? There are other opinions. Some write that he was extraordinarily hard-working, a true workaholic, nicknamed Aikometos («the sleepless one») because he toiled day and night like a cursed man. He was a brilliant judge of talent: the most gifted people of the era served him — brilliant architects, shrewd jurists, the most learned historian, and even the most hated tax collector! His admirers also say that throughout his life, he served a great idea — to restore the Roman Empire to its former might. That part deserves a closer look…
But for now — where do such polar assessments come from? Who dared to criticize the emperor and his wife so harshly? Why wasn’t this person tortured to death, as was rather common in Byzantium? I’ll answer: these descriptions were written by the historian Procopius of Caesarea, who authored two books that lavishly praised Justinian. But it turns out he had been working all his life on another secret book about the evils committed by Justinian and Theodora… Procopius titled his work quite intriguingly for us: Anekdota. He didn’t mean amusing tales. In Greek, anecdote means unpublished, not released to the public… So in Greek — anecdote, and in our terms — samizdat!
TOWARD A COMMON GOAL
But anecdotes are not always true. And the emperor and the courtesan gained something from their extraordinary union. They were always remarkably respectful toward each other, and not even the sharp-tongued Procopius recorded any affairs after their marriage. Besides, what could Theodora possibly have found in such affairs when she was already sick and tired of that world from her former life? More importantly, the empress did what only a woman can do for a man — and it’s not what you’re thinking! She truly supported him in his darkest moments.
When the terrifying «Nika» uprising had nearly overthrown Justinian when both his reign and his very life hung by a thread when he was preparing to flee, it was Theodora who persuaded him to stay with her brilliant speech:
«A person who is born must eventually die», she said, «but to flee as one who has been emperor is unbearable. If you, my lord, wish to save yourself, the sea and the ships stand ready — but consider whether, after fleeing, you might not prefer death to salvation… The imperial purple makes the finest burial shroud!»
Justinian was able to overcome his panic when these words came from the one woman who truly mattered to him. The rebellion was crushed in blood, and Justinian led his state down the path he believed was the only right one: toward the restoration of Great Rome and the triumph of a unified state church.
And how did he manage that? An interesting question… The unity of the church was restored as church unity usually is — through the repression of dissenters. Nearly the entire former Roman Empire was recaptured. Without Spain and Gaul, but Italy was retaken…
Moreover, North Africa was conquered — once a flourishing land, but after Justinian burdened it with taxes, contemporary accounts estimate that no fewer than 5 million people perished — to calculate a modern equivalent, multiply by a hundred! And in such lands, once the desert gains ground, it does not give it back. So, in the end, the largest territory Justinian managed to expand for any length of time was not the Roman Empire but the Sahara Desert! And even Italy, which had been reconquered, his successors were unable to hold.
WHERE DOES STRENGTH LIE?
Why did the state collapse? Very simply. The strength of a state lies in money — in those same 3,200 centenaria of gold amassed by Emperor Anastasius. What happened? Did Justinian squander them and fail to collect new funds? On the contrary — he collected them! And as a result, many peasants abandoned their villages and turned into bandits and beggars. So, by the time of Justinian’s successors, there was simply no one left to tax.
Tax collection is a delicate matter: at first, coins were made of real gold, but when times got tough, copper was mixed in. The state paid its expenses with debased coins but demanded taxes on the old, purer coins. «Either pay in old coinage or if you use the debased ones, add a surcharge». And if someone fled and stopped paying taxes, their neighbors had to cover the missing amount. Where would they get the money? That was not the tax inspector’s concern… And once taxes exceeded a certain threshold, it was no longer worth paying them — it became easier to simply bribe the tax collectors directly.
And so, over the course of four centuries, Byzantium lost all of Africa and Asia. Over a trifle — excessively high taxes, too zealously enforced thanks to Justinian and Theodora. The empire was caught in a vortex — the more it struggled, the faster it sank. One mistake in the scale of ambition was enough. Justinian loaded a weight he couldn’t lift — and inevitably dropped the barbell.
PERSONAL HAPPINESS
But personally, he lived quite well. His faithful and wise wife always cared for him, slept plenty to stay fresh and cheerful, anointed herself with fragrances, and was always ready to meet his every wish — not only in the intimate sense but in state affairs too, which was far more important. The emperor and the courtesan lived in perfect harmony, and in this respect, at least, they truly won — though the same cannot be said for the empire.
Justinian himself lived a happy life, enjoying marital bliss and the confidence that all was well — but once he died, everything began to unravel. Would he have been better served by a life filled with struggle and hardship if it had led the state onto a more stable path? But then, why speak only of him — what about us?
History elevated Justinian and Theodora to the highest ranks. Their mosaic portraits, created by their order in the Hagia Sophia — built on the site of the church burned down during the very same Nika uprising — still shine in full color today; mosaics do not fade. But the fact that the cathedral has since become a mosque — that they never anticipated. Yet, who could have known? Even if someone were to tell us what will happen a hundred years from now — we wouldn’t believe it. Just as the ragged little girl, daughter of a circus worker, would never have believed it had someone told her the story of her own life.
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