OH, LOVE: The Virgin Queen and Her Executed Lover
Art design: huxley.media via Photoshop
MARRIED TO THE COUNTRY
Dynasties usually end with the unlucky, the weak, or the fools. Yet the last ruler of the Tudor dynasty was Elizabeth I — a fortunate, intelligent, and determined sovereign. If anyone should have chosen a worthy spouse, produced legitimate heirs, and secured the throne for them, it was her. But that was not the case — Elizabeth went down in history as the «Virgin Queen».
Judging by her correspondence with the final wife of her mad father, Catherine Parr, she consciously decided not to marry at a very young age. Considering she was the daughter of Henry VIII — a man who divorced two of his six wives and beheaded another two — her attitude toward marriage isn’t all that surprising.
But did she genuinely renounce not only marriage but also male attention? Of course not — a monarch who only spoke the truth wouldn’t have lasted 44 years on the throne under any circumstances. Moreover, at least one of her loves was passionate and tempestuous.
That said, she never entirely rejected negotiations about her marriage — yet they dragged on for years and always led nowhere. Hardly surprising, considering the peculiar suitors vying for her hand. Take Philip II of Spain, for instance! Not everything written about him in The Legend of Thyl Ulenspiegel or sung about in Don Carlos is entirely unbiased, but there’s no doubt he was a stubborn, vengeful rigorist, a pedant, and a bore.
Another potential suitor, the Duke of Anjou, was the son of Henry II of France — a king whose children were all somewhat questionable. Charles IX, for instance, personally shot at Huguenots from his window on St. Bartholomew’s Night; Henry III, due to his unconventional sexual orientation, was hardly suited for marriage; and Francis II was a sickly boy who didn’t even make it to 17.
As for her third suitor, none other than Ivan the Terrible — well, there’s no point even discussing it. They would have likely beheaded each other before their wedding night was over! But considering that kings and grand dukes were as numerous as uncut dogs in those times, surely she could have found someone… Clearly, she didn’t care to.
TOO CLOSELY RELATED
There have been speculations that Elizabeth suffered from some illness preventing her from engaging in intimate relations with men — an idea put forward, for instance, by Stefan Zweig in Mary Stuart. However, modern medicine recognizes no such condition, making this claim highly dubious, if not outright fictional.
Philip II himself, before proposing marriage, even went so far as to bribe Elizabeth’s attendants to confirm her female «normalcy». He received convincing proof — details of which, for the sake of propriety, are best left unsaid (though given his meticulous nature, he likely inspected them himself; let’s just hope he didn’t go as far as tasting). In any case, he was satisfied. And there’s no doubt — Elizabeth had men in her life.
Most notably among them was Robert Dudley, whom she granted the title of Earl of Leicester. Rumors abound about their relationship — some even claim they secretly married and that Elizabeth bore him a son, Arthur.
There are even supposed documentary proofs — a Spanish minister’s records mention an arrested Englishman who, under interrogation, confessed to being the son of Robert Dudley and Elizabeth. But how can that be verified? It’s as uncertain as writing on water.
Dudley was also at the center of another curious affair — many believed he had an affair with Elizabeth’s cousin, Lettice Knollys. Outraged, the queen banished her to Staffordshire, where she later gave birth to a son — Robert Devereux, the second Earl of Essex.
He, possibly related to Elizabeth through multiple lines (his grandmother was the full sister of Elizabeth’s mother, Anne Boleyn, and quite possibly an illegitimate daughter of Henry VIII, for whom six wives were clearly not enough), became the queen’s great romance. But how was that possible? Wasn’t he much younger?
Well, yes — by 33 years. The same span as the lifetimes of Alexander the Great and Jesus Christ. But was that really so much for a queen? As Catherine the Great’s 19-year-old lover, Valerian Zubov, once said: “Together, we make a perfect 80.” Queens and empresses are special kinds of women — they can do as they please.
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Levina Teerlinc. Queen Elizabeth I (copy of a lost original), between 1600 and 1610 / wikipedia.org
IT ALL STARTED WELL…
From the very first meeting with Elizabeth, Essex broke every imaginable rule — he refused to kiss Her Majesty and didn’t even remove his hat. Formally, this meant he considered his lineage superior to the queen’s, a grave offense punishable by an excruciating «qualified execution», so gruesome that even describing it is unsettling (Chinese executioners and Spanish inquisitors would have given a standing ovation!).
Essex, however, got off lightly — he was only 10 years old at the time, while the queen was 43. No need to be alarmed — their romance began much later. And there’s no evidence that Essex ever tried to run away, hide, or scream, «No, Auntie, please don’t!» — they both wanted it. The queen’s desires are understandable, but what about Essex’s? Well, he too had his reasons — after all, queens are always young and beautiful.
How Essex truly felt remains a mystery, but for Elizabeth, it was a powerful emotion. She showered him with gifts, including noble titles, high-ranking positions, and substantial financial benefits — such as a lucrative tax on dessert wines, ensuring that every sip of the English-favored port sent a little something straight into Essex’s pocket.
Some of Elizabeth’s gestures were downright shocking — such as gifting Essex her glove to wear on his sword as a visible token of her favor. She spent hours alone with him in closed chambers, claiming they were playing cards. Of course…
But Essex wasn’t just swept up in romance — he commanded armies, stormed Cádiz, attempted to seize Portugal, and if Elizabeth, fearing for his life (and irritated by his disobedience), hadn’t ordered him to return immediately, who knows what might have happened?
He captured the Azores, led an expedition to India, and won naval battles — was he a military genius? Unlikely. England at the time was so powerful that for its army to lose a battle, it would have had to sabotage itself on purpose.
IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES
Their romance was far from idyllic — they constantly argued, often erupting into outright scandals. Elizabeth mocked Essex when he tried to secure the position of Attorney General for his friend Francis Bacon, pointedly declaring that anyone could get the post — except him!
Essex was repeatedly unfaithful to Elizabeth, engaging in scandalous affairs, fathering illegitimate children, and even secretly marrying the daughter of Elizabeth’s chief spy, Francis Walsingham. The queen was furious but forgave him time and again — though she did reproach him for marrying beneath his rank to a mere noblewoman rather than a princess.
After the capture of Cádiz, she gifted her lover a unique ring, telling him that if he ever truly angered her, he should send it back to her, and she would forgive him — no matter what he had done.
But even Elizabeth’s patience had its limits. She increasingly assigned Essex to deal with the rebellion in Ireland — a task akin to demoting a Politburo member to agriculture, a clear sign of falling out of favor. Success within the existing rules was impossible, even theoretically.
At one council meeting on the Irish issue, Essex rudely turned his back on the queen. She responded with a slap across his face. Furious, he grabbed his sword and shouted that not even Henry VIII would have dared treat him so. To which Elizabeth coolly replied, “Go and order yourself to be hanged” — for now, only as a joke.
Essex then led a military campaign in Ireland, but the outcome was predictable — he failed to suppress the rebellion. Desperate, he took a gamble: he signed a truce with the Irish and returned to London, hoping, as always, to convince the queen that he had been right all along.
A FIT OF DESPERATION
But the charm of Robert Devereux, the second Earl of Essex, was no longer all-powerful — anyone’s patience has its limits. He was immediately placed under house arrest, slapped with a hefty fine, but the worst blow was the revocation of his lucrative tax on sweet wines. This tax had been his main source of income, funding his extravagant lifestyle and allowing him to maintain a band of loyal followers who obeyed him as long as he could pay. But now — how was he supposed to pay?
Many believe that the loss of this income pushed Essex to desperate measures — while he still had a bit of money left from his former splendor. But his actions were of little consequence, for in the relationship between Elizabeth and Essex, it was Elizabeth who had always acted like the man.
Essex, meanwhile, was left playing the role of a weak woman, swinging irrationally between desperate pleas and reckless threats. What came to be known as the «Essex Rebellion» barely resembled a true rebellion — more like a senseless outburst. His followers stormed through the streets of London, swords drawn, shouting at the top of their lungs: «For the Queen! We’ve been sold to the Spaniards!»
There were rumors that he planned to capture Elizabeth and force her to abdicate in favor of James of Scotland, Mary Stuart’s son. But why? James was already the heir to the throne. Perhaps Essex simply hoped Elizabeth would panic and beg for his protection. But she was not one to fall for such a ploy.
At first, no one even attacked Essex’s mob — people simply scattered as if from madmen, fearing they might start biting. But when the queen’s forces finally intervened, Essex had no choice but to surrender. The Lord Admiral threatened to blow up his house, and seeing no other way out, he yielded.
His hope that Elizabeth would remember their love proved futile — he was charged with treason, and with such an accusation, there was only one possible verdict: death. Elizabeth hesitated for a long time before signing his death warrant — just as she had with Mary Stuart. And just like before, she eventually signed.
It is said that after his sentencing (death, of course, though the queen spared him from the gruesome «qualified execution»), he was granted a final meeting with the Countess of Nottingham — his former lover, who also happened to be the wife of his bitterest enemy.
It changed nothing. On February 25, 1601, just two weeks after his failed rebellion, Essex was beheaded in the courtyard of the Tower of London. The executioner botched the job, needing three strokes to finish him off.
IN SHORT, THEY BOTH DIED…
Elizabeth outlived Essex by two years — if her existence by then could even be called living. She became visibly unhinged, wandering the palace at night, threatening anyone she encountered with a sword, and shouting in Latin at the top of her lungs: «Dead, but not buried!» A little before the queen’s death, the Countess of Nottingham also passed away.
On her deathbed, the countess summoned Elizabeth and returned the very ring the queen had once given Essex as a sign that she would forgive him any wrongdoing. Essex had entrusted the ring to the countess, hoping she would deliver it to Elizabeth, but her husband prevented it — determined to see Essex dead.
The Countess of Nottingham begged Elizabeth for forgiveness, but in vain. She died two days later while the queen’s torment continued. Elizabeth fell into a coma, refusing food, medicine, or speech for nine days, uttering only one word: “Essex! Essex!” Soon after, death claimed her as well.
In the end, she got what she wanted — no man ever commanded her or imposed his will upon her. But was that indeed what she desired?
Unfortunately, such behavior is not uncommon in women. It is a form of dominance inversion — a prolonged test of a man’s obedience, rooted in biology. A woman needs to be sure that a man will not abandon her, that he will stay and help raise children, who, as we know, are born utterly helpless.
Men, on the other hand, have their own instincts and neuroses — they want to lead, to decide, to be in control. A little compromise on both sides can lead to understanding, but when each insists solely on their own way, things can end in catastrophe. As they did in this story.
Is it worth waiting for such an ending? Lem’s Solaris concludes with the line: «The time of cruel miracles has not yet passed». Remember that sometimes.
